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GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE JANUARY 28, 1994

FROM THE HART

Telling your best friend that you are gay

Advice on love, relationships and other issues relevant to sexual minorities.

Dear Taylor,

by Taylor Hart

I'm a sixteen year old gay male. I recently came out to my best friend. My friend is straight. He basically has ignored that I have told him that I am gay. He is acting like my coming out never occurred. He even still asks me what girls I like!

Should I be happy that he didn't just get rid of me? How should I proceed with his friendship?

Dear Very Confused,

Very Confused

I will do my best to be as direct with you as I can about this very complicated issue. Coming out, revealing your homosexuality to the important non-gay people in your life, such as family, friends and loved ones, is never easy. Coming out to these people is complicated by your desire to maintain relationships with them. Each time you choose to reveal your homosexuality you run the risk of non-acceptance, a lack of tolerance or rejection. On the other hand, coming out can lead to improved relationships through the ability to express your own self acceptance, being able to share, without editing, even more of your life experiences and a more open and honest level of communication. The more you re-

veal of yourself, the more there is to love.

Your best friend is in a state of denial about your homosexuality. It is easier for him to digest the fact that you are gay by pretending that it does not exist. Denial is not an uncommon response to unexpected news or information that we are not prepared to hear. Sometimes denial is a step toward acceptance. Sometimes denial is a step toward rejection. Sometimes denial is a step toward indifference.

Assuming your friend is around your own age, he is probably dealing with coming to terms with his own sexuality. Your being gay may challenge his beliefs or his self perception. He may have been previously homophobic and is now confused by his liking you as a friend. He may be worried that having a best friend who is gay is some reflection on his own sexuality, that it might mean that he is "a little gay." A part of his denial may include anger. He may be angry at you for being gay. He may be angry because he feels that your being gay changes his relationship with you and that the two of you can no longer be friends. By confronting you about what "girls you like," he may be subconsciously trying to engage you in an argument in order to express that anger.

I recommend giving him some time to think about what you have told him. He needs time to think about how he feels about homosexuality, especially in regards to your friendship. Don't bring up the subject of

your sexuality for awhile. I guarantee he has not forgotten about it. If he asks you what girls you like, tell him what girls you like as friends, stressing the "as friends" part. Give him the chance to bring up the subject again. Try to allow him to decide when he is ready to talk about it.

If he has not brought up the subject again, say in about four months, I suggest you do so. Ask him if he remembers the conversation in which you came out to him. Ask him why he thinks you decided to tell him. Listen very closely to what he says. Reassure him that you are the same person that you have always been. Reassure him that your sexuality is no reflection on his, that being your friend does not mean that he is gay. Answer his questions as honestly, openly and directly as possible. Most importantly, express your own self acceptance and the fact that you feel good about yourself.

Ultimately, the decision about how he feels about you is his own. You cannot make someone like you. You cannot force someone to accept you or your sexuality. Don't expect or demand immediate acceptance. Keep in mind that your own acceptance took time.

I suspect that your friend will eventually accept your being gay. But if he does not, if he does reject you, do not lose sight of your own self worth! Remember that your coming out to him was an attempt to share a very important part of yourself. A part that he may choose to reject. The loss of a friend, even a best friend, is not the end of the world. There are many people, both gay and straight, who are willing to accept your friendship. Hopefully your current best friend will be one of them.

P.S. There are several groups available to help you at this point in your life (look in the Resource Directory under Student and Youth Groups and call for information). And there are pamphlets regarding coming out and its issues, and safer sex practices, which I've read that are very informative and insightful. Contact the Lesbian-Gay Community Center of Cleveland (216-5221999 days or 216-781-6736 evenings), Stonewall Union Center in Columbus (614299-7764), or a lesbian-gay community center near where you live.

Please write to me again and let me know what happens between you and your best friend. I really care about my readers. Good Luck! ✓

Need help with your love life? Taylor welcomes your questions. Send them to Taylor Hart, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland, 44101.

Dykes To Watch Out For

A KISS

is just

A KISS

178

MMM. JEZANNA'S DOUBLE CHOCOLATE RASPBERRY ESPRESSO NEW YEAR'S CREESECAKE IS ORGASMIC.

UH... YEAH, IT IS. CAN I GET YOU ANOTHER PIECE?.

ENJOYING THE PARTY, GIRLS? THEA, I'M SO SORRY MAXINE, COULDN'T MAKE IT!

THANKS. JEZ.SHE'S

GOT THE FLU.

LOIS, THE BOBBSEY TWINS OVER THERE ARE MAKING ME NERVOUS. THEIR LITTLE CRUSH WAS CUTE FOR A WHILE, BUT I CAN'T AFFORD TO HAVE TWO OF MY EMPLOYEES INVOLVED IN SOME SORDID SEXUAL SOAP OPERA.

RELAX. IT'S NOT A REAL ATTRACTION. IF THEA WAS ACTUALLY AVAILABLE, THEY WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH EACH OTHER.

HUNH LOOKS TO ME LIKE THEY'D HAVE A PRETTY GOOD IDEA.

OKAY. I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT. IT'S TIME MO GOT ON WITH HER LIFE, ANYWAY.

HEY! GREAT PARTY, HUH?

WHAT I LOVE BEST ABOUT NEW YEAR'S EVE IS THAT LITTLE WINDOW OF SEXUAL LAWLESSNESS AT MIDNIGHT WHEN YOU GET TO KISS EVERYONE. KIND OF LIKE GROWN., UP SPIN-THE-BOTTLE.

Y'KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS REGRETTED THAT I. NEVER GOT TO PLAY SPIN-THEBOTTLE WITH OTHER LITTLE DYKES WHEN I WAS A KID, INSTEAD OF BOYS.

I NEVER

GOT TO PLAY SPIN THE BOTTLE

WITH ANYONE.

FIVE... FOUR... THREE ...TWO... ONE..

HAPPY NEW YEAR! SLURP!

SMACK?

THE WEE HOURS OF JANUARY FIRST...

JEEZ. I HOPE I DIDN'T

CATCH ANY OF MAXINE'S

FLU GERMS FROM

THEA

BELIEVE

ME, YOU'RE

GONNA BE JUST FINE.

THE MOSTLY UNFABULOUS SOCIAL LIFE OF ETHAN GREEN...

FAREWELL MY HUNKUBINE

AMBIVALENCE OVERTAKES MOMENTUM AS BOUG

SEEKS A TIME OUT.

MAYBE IT'S THE HIV... MAYBE IT'S JUST THAT WE'RE AT DIFFERENT POINTS IN OUR LIVES,) I JUST FEEL LIKE I NEED NOT TO BE SEEING ANYONE

RIGHT NOW.. LIKE I NEED TO FOCUS ON MY NEEDS RIGHT NOW....To BE

A LITTLE SELFISH

NOW... MAYBE

NEXT WEEK,

OR MONTH

I WON'T

FEEL THIS WAY AT

ALL,

DAKYA

WOULD NOW BE AN INAP PROPRIATE TIME TO ASK HIM TO RETURN THAT PETSHOPBOYS CD HE BORRONE&P

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP. (PAUSE)

ВЕЕРВЕЕРВЕЕР ВЕЕР ВЕЕР. (CLICK)

Hi...THIS IS ETHAN, I'M NOT IN NOW, LEAVE ME A MESSAGE & I'LL CALL BACK. (TONE)

EETH, IT'S DOUG, PICK UP. ETHAN?..WELL..OK,.I,UH, JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE OK?.EETH? WELL..OK..I'LL CALL LATER..

BY Eric Orner.

8888

MAN TROUBLE:

PLEASE STAND BY.

BUT

NOW

Tins

I'M GOING TO HOPE THAT YOU AREN'T SO SELFISH AS TO BE JUST SITTING AROUND OUT THERE WAITING TO BE ENTERTAINED THIS WEEK, AFTER WHAT I'VE JUST BEEN PUT THROUGH ?! ...TALK ABOUT INSENSITIVE....

SHEESH...

0000

HE'S BEEN LIKE THIS FOR DAYS.. GOSH CHARLOTTE, HOW WILL WE EVER BREAK HIM OUT OF THIS STUPOR?

WE'LL START BYGG

HIM Cincinnati

ACCIDENTALLY ELECTED A DYKE MAYOR..

I MEAN,

YOU WANT LAUGHS, GOREAD FAMILY CIRCUS

IT Did?